Her: Holistic Health

Archive for June, 2010|Monthly archive page

As of today I am nothing

In Uncategorized on June 21, 2010 at 4:57 pm

I am nothing.

There, I said it, I have declared it, I am happy to shout it from the rooftops…

As of today, I AM NOTHING.

My last post began me thinking about how I have chosen to “define” myself. The internal conflict I felt then was about who I thought I was in the world versus how I was being reflected back to myself in my interactions with someone else. This morning, another random occurence had me questioning myself yet again. Kind of disturbed, I wrote and wrote and wrote about it in my journal. It started with how it was challenging to think of myself as one type of person only to find that when the rubber met the road, I made an unexpected and different choice. The more I wrote the more I began to discover that it wasn’t my actions and my choices that were the issue. Looking back at them, I honestly could not have seen myself react in any other way.  I could only support my choices made in the moment. So I asked, why were these feelings of dis-ease hanging on? Once again, I seemed to have brushed up against how I define myself.

I am this.

I am a person who likes that.

I am a person who does this but not that.

We all walk through the world defining ourselves but does it really serve us or hold us back? Does it define us or confine us? I suspect that those definitions hold and confine me so I decided that as of today I am nothing beyond being Valerie. I reserve the right to make choices in the moment that are right for me.

For example, I haven’t eaten meat in years but I won’t call myself vegetarian because one day I may decide chow down on a turkey burger.

Or I often tend to be quiet and hold back in groups of new people but I will no longer call myself an introvert because one day I may bust out in a song in front of a room filled with strangers.

I reserve the right to change and morph and grow at my own beautiful pace and for me, it feels like in declaring that I am nothing, I am free…

free to be everything.

Looking back at me

In Uncategorized on June 11, 2010 at 5:07 pm

They say that the people in our lives are mirrors. For good or for bad, they reflect parts of ourselves. Yesterday, I was forced to confront a part of myself and what I saw looking back at me was not something I liked and it unsettled me.

I have decided to let go of the story. You know the story, all of those specific juicy details of who did what and what happened in return. All of the static keeps me trapped in the cyclone of negative emotion. That I have decided to let go because it simply doesn’t matter (though yesterday I was more than willing to get angry, to cry, to be sullen, to reject, to wallow and be completely miserable).

What matters most, what is truly important to me today is to just sit with that darker part of myself.

It is not an easy task, to focus on a part of my personality that I would much rather pretend did not exist. Yet somehow, in the light of a brand new day, to be with every piece of myself without holding harsh criticism of what I should have done,  without the commentary on how the other person was wrong, therefore making me right, but to just be curious and welcoming to all parts of myself, well, that feels just about right and for that I am grateful.